And this is my first ever confession!
So, you will understand, I’m a bit new to the concept. From what I’ve seen in movies or on TV, the process is quite simple. I enter the confessional box and talk to you through a lattice screen. I tell you what a naughty boy I’ve been and after you’ve listened to all the juicy bits you tell me my punishment, and the slate is wiped clean.
Seems like a good system, and certainly an improvement on the original Jewish model. But then your lot had the benefit of hindsight. I guess it’s always easier to improve on an idea than create it from scratch. You understood that one of the most important aspects of marketing a new religion was that it must offer advantages over the old one.
You realised from the outset that the Jews idea of atoning for their sins once a year was never going to work in the more easygoing. laid back approach of Christianity. Just too many sins , and no-one could be expected to save them up for a whole twelve months! So you came up with the brilliant idea – absolution on demand!
As many sins as you can cram into a week, eliminated in a moment, and freedom to start on the next batch of naughtiness.
Which brings me to the reason why I’m here. You see, the next Jewish Day of Atonement isn’t for another 5 months, and I just can’t wait that long.
So, what is my sin? Well, I’ve been accused of being beastly to the Haredim. You know, those sects of Jews who wear strange clothes in the style of Polish noblemen of the 16th and 17th centuries. They also have some very strange customs and traditions which they claim must be followed to the letter if you want to honour God.
OK, I know that your people do a few strange things as well (not all of which get found out and reported) – but I don’t even want to go there. If you want a wafer to be holy and wine to represent blood, be my guest. But that’s only two things. The Haredim follow 613 mitzvot or commandments plus thousands of interpretations of how they should be carried out. From the moment of waking to the moment of sleeping, their lives operate within a framework of restrictions that are incomprehensible to normal human beings.
I wrote a few articles on my blog pointing out some of these strange actions, but I have been told that I was being unfair.
After all, if it is critical for them that their toilet block cleaner doesn’t emit colour so as not to desecrate the Sabbath, who am I to question? And if the knife being used to cut an onion was also used in the previous 24 hours to cut meat, then why should I care that this onion is no longer Kosher and cannot be used with certain foods.
They just need to pray (well, they DO do a lot of that), that their eyeglasses don’t break on the Sabbath, because that’s a real bummer. If the side falls off and you find the screw, anyway you can’t use it – it’s forbidden to turn anything on the Sabbath. If you find a piece if wire, you can use that, as long as you don’t try to wind it round the joint – winding is forbidden also. If it’s just that the lens popped out of the rim, you can put it back, as long as you don’t use any pressure – pressure is another no-no on the Sabbath.
I know that I don’t have time to list the other 600+ criteria, and, anyway, if I do that it just makes matters worse.
I guess that my real problem is, I don’t really feel repentant for drawing attention to a fraction of the absurdities which govern the lives of so many people. I do feel sorry for the women and children who are trapped, and doomed to live in unremitting servitude – but, then, you don’t have too much first hand experience of either women or children, do you?
So that’s it. Not really much of a confession for a first attempt, I suppose.
By the way, do you accept Atheists in this game?
And, what, exactly IS a “Hail Mary”?
Andyboy – Telling it as it is!
- Is The (Secular) Worm Beginning To Turn In Israel? (andyboy1.com)
- Sabbath phone is Torah-observant (wnd.com)