“God – It’s Andyboy. How Do You Deal With Claustrophobic Sinners?”


Confessional box, Holy Family Roman Catholic C...

Honestly, God, would you like to be stuck inside one of these? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think you need to open a Facebook page, or a Twitter account.

Mark Zuckerberg, Founder & CEO of Facebook, at...

Zuckerberg – maybe you could use his help,,,,,,,, (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It may have escaped your attention, considering all the other things that are occupying your time, but we are living in the second decade of the 21st century. You need to catch up with the technology.

The reason that I am saying this is that, over the past couple of weeks, I have availed myself of the confessional service that you provide through some of your messengers.

In case they didn’t report back to you – I’m not sure that they ever do – I will tell you that I got into hot water over some remarks I made about the religious leaders of your Chosen People“, and, also, about the leaders of your not so chosen people ( the Muslims).  At least, I assume they are not so chosen, based upon their attitudes and actions. I must admit that, as a fully practicing Atheist, I have some difficulty in understanding if Jehovah and Allah are actually the same. Are they both you, or is it a family business, and you’re just related?

Anyway, that is not really the issue now.

The point is that, as I simply didn’t have the time to wait for the Day of Atonement to come round in 5 months or so, I thought I would try out the service offered by the competition. It seemed that “absolution on demand’ would be the easiest solution to my problem.

Being new to this game, I was not really prepared for the fact that it would involve me entering a dark, un-ventilated and somewhat smelly wooden box carrying the residual odours of the previous occupants. It seemed to me to be somewhat lacking in the sense of spiritual serenity I had anticipated. But then, I asked myself, “why should I expect 5 star luxury in a space reserved for sinners?”

Then it occurred to me, how do you deal with claustrophobic sinners?  

Is leaving the door open, or not drawing the curtain, sufficient? And what about privacy? Or is it that those suffering from this condition are just stuck with their sins forever, as if you didn’t give them enough of a problem anyway?

So I got to thinking, about applying some 21st century technology? Maybe you could create a Facebook page, or a Twitter account, or, even, an Internet Website.  And this would solve the problem, not only for those fearing confined spaces, but, also, for those who don’t want to leave the comfort of their home to deal with something about which they feel uncomfortable in any case.

Image representing iPhone as depicted in Crunc...

How about an APP for sinners?…….Image via CrunchBase

You could even create an i-Phone or Android Application! Absolution with a swipe of the finger! You could call it “an App for sinners”, and it could get you a lot more clients.

I assume that you would not be deterred by the fact that you would have to use the services created by Jews like Zuckerberg and Brinn. They are working with a primarily non-Jewish market already, so it shouldn’t put you off. By the way, now could be a good time to get connected to Facebook. If you’re quick, you may even be able to get a piece of he action. I’m sure you could pull a few strings, and your messengers on Earth could always use a few extra bucks.

So, give it thought, and let me know your conclusion. You can always find me at the URL above.

I will assume that if I don’t hear from you, it will be confirmation that you don’t actually exist.

Either that, or you simply prefer to stick with the traditional system, and to hell with claustrophobes.

Literally!

Andyboy – Telling it as it is.

Connected articles

http://andyboy1.com/2012/04/21/forgive-me-father-for-i-have-sinned/

http://andyboy1.com/2012/05/05/sorry-father-but-i-have-sinned-again/

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Facebook is Disturbing God’s Messengers


English: Rabbi Shlomo Amar, the Sephardi Chief...

Rabbi Shlomo Amar - Not looking for "friends"on Facebook

Rabbis: Stay away from Internet

Sephardic religious leaders sign letter calling on every person to save relatives, other people from the web and its “dangerous” content

(From an article by Kobi Nahshoni published on Ynet 29/1/12)

I have seen it stated that man invented God, and then had to find a way to market the product. And so was born the multi-headed monster known as “Religion.” Over the centuries this marketing tool has developed in ways never envisaged by its creators.

Temple, cathedrals, churches, synagogues and mosques were built, at unimaginable cost, to provide suitable accommodations in which the entity could be worshipped.  Of course, the buildings alone only provide the point of sale location. The entire marketing concept could never have worked had it not been for the workforce.

Thus were born “God’s messengers” – the men (until recently, ONLY men) who took upon themselves the task of spreading the holy word. Naturally, since “man does not live by bread alone” the spreading involved some cost. Soon an entire hierachical structure became necessary. Vertical line management was instituted. In the front line were the “worker bees”. Monks, priests, vicars, rabbis and imams to mention a few. In time, promotion was possible – assuming that you worked hard – and didn’t get caught out doing naughty things that holy people are supposed to refrain from.

Pope Benedictus XVI

The Pope - does he send the occasional "Tweet"?

So came the abbots, bishops, archbishops, chief rabbis and mullahs. At the top of the pyramid stood the Pope, or his equivalent in the other religions. Most religions managed with one top honcho – but the Jews needed two. This was due to the phenomenon, common to all religions, of an inability to agree about how EXACTLY their God should be dealt with.

So in Israel there is not just one Chief Rabbi – but two! One takes care of the spiritual needs of Jews from a European background- the Ashkenazim or “white Jews”, and the other is responsible for those Jews from North African or Arab countries – the Sephardim or “Black Jews”.

Actually, the situation is a little more complicated by the existence of REALLY Black Jews from Ethiopia, with their own leader, and various sects of Haredi or Hassidic Jews who follow a wide variety of Rabbis. each with a slightly different interpretation of how the religion should be imposed. Most of these are better defined as “cults” but I’m not sure that there is any substantial difference between the definition of a cult or that of a religion.

As an aside, we do live in a region of the world in which two sects of Islam (the Sunnis and the Shi’ites) seem determined to capture the hearts and minds of their populations by using the device of seeing which of them can murder enough of the other side to persuade them that Allah demands to be worshipped only their way.

But I digress – so back to our rabbis.

The Ten Commandments, In SVG

The 11th Commandment: "Thou Shalt Not Google!

The Sephardi Chief Rabbi, Shlomo Amar, with the support of Rabbi Ovadia Josef, has decided that the internet is an instrument of the devil and must be banned. In their infinite wisdom they have stated that the mobile phone “can lead to difficult and dangerous sights which are undoubtedly forbidden by the Torah and have extremely destructive results …… the evil aspects of these matters is definite and difficult,”  They go on to state that, according to the Talmud: “one must save the oppressed from its persecutor and from all other lurking dangers.”

Now I know that Google is about to change its privacy policy, and that Facebook and Twitter have also made some changes, but I do think that the venerable rabbis’ reaction is a little extreme.  According to them, and a number of other rabbis, disconnecting from the internet is a Torah obligation. Rabbi Moshe Shafir, the editor of the Shas newspaper, “Yom Leyom”, claimed that being connected to the internet is “one of the worst religious sins a Jew could ever commit.”

Really? Worse than eating pork on Yom Kippur? Or driving through Mea Shearim on a Shabbat? Or having sex with your wife at the wrong time of the month? The list of religious restrictions and prohibitions is almost endless.

And as if all this nonsense isn’t enough, he finishes the article with this gem: “As Jews who had the courage to jump into the fire of the inquisition, the courage to slaughter their sons and wives and children after the “Shehecheyanyu” blessing, will have the strength now to make a firm decision and unequivocally rise up, throw away this device of impurity and abomination and obey the outstanding rabbis of the generation.”

"A device of impurity and abomination" - a new marketing slogan?

I never heard an I-Phone described like that before!  I know there were a few complaints about overheating and a short battery life, but a “device of impurity and abomination” seems a bit over the top.

I can imagine Steve Jobs now arguing with God: “what is it with your guys? can’t you control them? Don’t they realise that they are making a laughing stock of themselves and you? 

Perhaps he will teach God some marketing tricks on how to bring religion to the masses in the 21st century.

Somehow, I don’t feel that invoking images of fathers slaughtering their families is really going to cut it.

But that’s just me!

Andyboy – Telling it as it is.